Sharing and Not Caring
More of my favorite photos from this year and my 2025 Ins/Outs List
I shared more creative work than I ever have in my entire life this year. I did it when it made me feel vulnerable, when it made me feel unworthy, when it made me feel insecure. I did it even when sometimes I would share photos and writing that were incredibly meaningful to me and it would get like 100 likes and 0 comments (which still regularly happens), and then I would share a picture of myself or an outfit video and thousands of people would engage with it.
I’ve posted on social media since I hit puberty, spraying my brain like a sloppy machine gun at every platform you can name — Tumblr, Livejournal, Bebo, Lookbook, Blogger, Instagram, TikTok, now Substack. I had dial up internet when I hit puberty; the way I process is inextricable from being online. There is no other way I know. Sometimes it’s been hundreds of thousands of people, sometimes it’s 100. I think I shared so much this year as a way to train myself out of expecting a response. I have learned that the value I hold of the work I create can never really be reflected in the response I receive from others. Yesterday I posted videos asking help to choose between three pairs of jeans I was considering; as soon as I posted them I realized that there was no possible way I could rely on the polls. Only I knew what they really looked like, felt like, fit like.
Cody said the other day that sometimes it seems like I’m writing my book because it’s a compulsion, something I absolutely must do. Other times he thinks I want to write a book because I want to wear a cute outfit to the book launch party.
I create for both reasons, I share for both reasons. I, like everyone else, want to feel acknowledged, to feel special. Growing up in a household where I was never explicitly told I was loved in words or otherwise underlines this gaping chasm in me. I spent my childhood having to affirm my worth and love to myself in the absence of my parents being able to do that for me, and I think as an adult I am still searching for confirmation from somebody else that I am good enough. Part of me is resentful that I am still left with the work of holding myself, but then again, we all are. Nobody else will think I am good enough if I do not think so first. I think I’m learning this, albeit slower than I’d like. I shared so much this year, and I am practicing the muscle of sharing over and over again because I am trying to teach myself to find value in who I am and the things I make without needing the reflection of others to confirm it.
I think that is the main thing I hope to continue leaving behind. The desire for other people’s approval. I know it will still happen, I will still post something and nobody will interact with it and I will feel like the shiny thing I made that I love so much means absolutely nothing. It won’t happen overnight, but I can feel it happening a little faster every time I share, the strengthening of the muscle of believing in myself in the absence of other’s opinions.
My personal lists of Ins/Outs for 2025:
In
Reading the books I own before buying new ones
Practicing letting go over and over and over again
Wearing heels sometimes for the drama
Meal prepping
Being seen trying
Texting people back
Solitude
Calling my mother more
Taking more time in the darkroom instead of trying to run two enlargers at once
Running amok
Being thoughtful of what I say
Writing letters
Proper warm ups before I workout
Playing games on my Nintendo Switch that’s not just Stardew Valley
Not judging myself for yapping excessively
Learning the violin
Actually surfing instead of talking about wanting to surf
Close friends and finsta posting
Giving people the benefit of the doubt
Writing everyday even if it’s one line
Reviving my meditation practice
Making smoothies
Out
Reading books about writing instead of writing
Letting my screenshots folder grow out of control until I no longer understand the context of what is saved
Taking things personally
Gossiping about people I barely know
Picking at my scalp and psoriasis
Arbitrary numeric goals for weightlifting
Eating a late snack before sleeping
Being overwhelmed from organizing social plans
Doing more than 2 things a night
Sleeping past 1am for no good reason
Tightly held expectations
Feeling left out
Some other photos from this year I love and haven’t shared:
You capture such beautiful,simple moments and make them feel so profound! I love them
I would love to know the film cameras you use for your photos! Is it a medium format mamiya for all of them? I notice you also use a 35mm minolta maybe?